My Fault and My Hurt
by TheMaraudersAreUpToNoGood
Summary: They were apart. If it was meant to be like this then why did it feel so wrong? Why was there a tugging at their hearts that wouldn't go away. This story latches onto City of Lost Souls, with the confrontation between Maureen and Alec.
1. Finding out

_Maureen burst into a happy peal of laughter." Not just someone silly," she said." It was me."_

"You? But Camille is hundreds of years old when you're jus-"

"A fledgling? Oh I know," Maureen giggled, wriggling her blood stained fingers, her eyes alight with happiness." But Camille was getting old and I think she was actually quite a bore, really. And she wasn't really doing anything as the clan leader so I just... disposed of her I guess."

"But- What? Surely she could have taken you easily," Alec muttered, his brow creasing together and his body taking a protective stance. Her giggling made him uneasy.

"You should be thanking me Alec," Maureen smiled again, her sharp teeth flashing hungrily as she eyed up the obvious adrenaline pulse at the base of his neck." I heard she was giving you a bit of trouble and judging by what happened before I guess she succeeded. Oh well, the clans mine now so you don't need to go about worrying her in your colourful short life."

Alec's mind immediately flashed back to the image of Magnus walking away from him mere minutes ago, his slender and beautiful form disappearing into the darkness of the abandoned tunnel. He ignored the pain in his chest which felt as though an icy hand with serrated claws was holding his heart, slowly tightening its grip. But it thudded on anyway.

"Well Alec this has been nice but I really have a clan to lead so have fun with the rest of your mortal life. I'm sure I'll see you again soon," Maureen giggled, her bloodied hand reaching up to cover her mouth. When she drew it away the crimson liquid stained her face like daring paint on a white canvas.

Alec remained silent as she turned on her heel and left too, leaving him to his thoughts. But mostly to the emotions he was struggling to control, though it was like trying to control a raging fire while someone kept dumping fuel into the flames.

In the end he too left, his feet trudging heavily on the ground and the only thing left behind was the echo of his lonely footsteps.

**Alright so as I promised here is your second story and this is only the introduction. It's continuing straight on from Alec's moment in the tunnel when Maureen tells him about Camille's murder. I'm going to make this as cannon as possible so I'm sorry if I disappoint anyone.  
Please review it helps heaps. Thank you. Have a lovely day.**


	2. Dealing with it

**Ok so SPOILER ALERT: I warned you. Apparently Alec drunk calls Magnus a lot in City Of Heavenly Fire (Cassandra Clare said so on tumblr) which doesn't really sound like the reasonable Alec we know but oh well. Here's your second chapter and I hope you enjoy it as much as I liked writing it. I know it's short and I'm sorry for that.**

Alec's feet felt like they had been replaced by led, barely lifting from the concrete of the stairs as he trudged up them. With his shoulders slumped and his head hanging he opened the doors to the institute, slipping through and closing them slowly behind him. The sound echoed through the walls, bouncing of the stone and floor loudly in the hollowed entrance.

If Alec were to hear the sounds in his own chest he was sure they would sound like the empty halls of the institute, the only sound being the hurt and rejected thud of his heart echoing against his rib cage. But no matter how alone he felt, it wouldn't change anything. In fact there was no point in feeling so hollow and alone.

Yes it hurt but Alec had felt worse pain before. When the greater demon had taken him down it had felt as though fire was burning him from the inside as the poison seeped slowly through the wound. Not only that but the healing process had been excruciatingly painful. It wasn't every day that you were extracting demon poison from your body.

But maybe it wasn't the loneliness or the hurt. Maybe it was just the fact that he hated himself for ruining something that could have possibly been the best thing in his life. Why had he been so stupid as to question everything Magnus did? Why did he have to betray his trust and also go behind his back? Why hadn't he been more open with his insecurities about their relationship?

In all truth, Alec was an idiot. He was the idiot of idiots.

Heaving a sigh that rattled his lungs and cleared his head slightly he trod up to the elevator, pressing the button and hauling himself into it when it arrived. Before long he was in the confines of his room, staring around in a mixture of hate and sadness, a mixture of emotions. His eyes migrated from the clothes on the floor to the few photos on his walls. Most of them were his family, smiling back at him with all different goofy expressions.

But there was one he couldn't help but look at one. One his eyes refused to leave.

Magnus grinned back at him wearing a ridiculous hat, his cat eyes twinkling mischievously and his mouth bent in a smile that lit p his face like Christmas Eve. Alec was beside him, looking up at the wonder whose arm was slung lazily over his shoulders. In the background were the pyramids, one of the many landmarks Alec and Magnus had visited in Egypt on their trip.

The same trip that had been the last of their full happiness. After that, everything had just gone downhill like a car with no brakes, being pulled down into the darkness by gravity.

Alec dropped the bag of his possessions on the floor-the stuff he had collected from Magnus' earlier- and slumped down onto his bed, letting out a wobbly sigh. He felt shattered and emotionally exhausted, barely able to stay awake.

But his soul was restless with so much pent up frustration at the situation and himself. Why? Why had it turned out like this for them? Why did it all have to end? Couldn't they have just stayed happy?

Alec moaned loudly, dropping his head into his hands and rubbing his face tiredly.

"Oh brother you look terrible," said Isabelle from the door.

Alec startled, his head rising in shock. He hadn't heard her approach but there she was, leaning against the door frame in a very Jace-like way, a smirk playing across her angelic features.

"That's probably because I feel terrible," Alec replied honestly, because that was what he was good at. Being honest, only that he wasn't always, not all the time.

"Well you can't blame it on me 'cause I haven't cooked you anything," Isabelle said, brushing the long strands of black hair away from her face." Mum actually hasn't let me touch anything in the kitchen. Instead she's be chasing me around trying to get me to keep training. Which isn't really fair because you're not training either ad Jace and Clary are too busy 'talking' all the time."

Alec wasn't listening to any of the words that were leaving her perfectly glossed lips. Instead his eyes were staring fixatedly at the ground while his mind was running back off to thoughts on Magnus, no matter how hard he tried to prevent it. Like the warlock had said he hadn't been home when Alec had gathered his stuff although the young Shadowhunter should have guessed as much. But Alec couldn't have helped the slight flame of hope burning within him as he had unlocked the loft door, only to find it empty and in the same state he had left it that morning.

A sense of emptiness entered his mind and chest and he wished Isabelle would just leave him alone. Even though it sounded stupid to be sending away company while feeling lonely it wasn't Isabelle's company he wanted. He missed the sparkly and colourful presence of his boyfriend. _Ex-boyfriend, _he mentally corrected himself, shaking his head.

"Anyway I'm gonna go and see what mums up to and whether I can sneak a snack from the kitchen," Isabelle continued, flicking her long hair over her shoulder.

"If you do catch mum," Alec said, lifting his blue-eyed gaze to hers." You can tell her that Camille Belcourt is dead."

Isabelle's body froze, her shoulders going riggered and her dark eyes widening in shock." H-how?"

"That girl who was always with Simon, she got turned into a vampire. She's still a fledgling but I met her today and her hands were covered in blood," Alec muttered quietly, his voice slightly hoarse. But he forced the words out anyway." She killed Camille to become the head of the clan."

"A Fledgling? Are you serious?"

"Does it look like I'm joking?" Alec asked irritably." Just tell mum if you see her."

Isabelle nodded once but the astonished expression on her face didn't lift as she turned and strolled down the hall, closing the door to Alec's room behind her.

Two hours later Alec was sitting in the same spot, his legs still hanging over the edge of his bed while his elbows rested on his knees and his shoulders slouched. His phone rested gently in his hand and he stared hypnotized at the screen, reading the name and number over and over silently.

_Magnus Bane_

It was still a strange name to Alec and once again he wondered if that was really Magnus' birth name. But not even Camille had known. And now he would never find out.

Taking a deep breath and calming himself he clicked down on the call button and pressed the cold surface of the phone to his ear.

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

Panic set in and he quickly ended the call, snapping the phone shut and stuffing it back into his pocket. _It's over. I don't want to see you again._ the words stomped around in his mind and he clenched his fists, pounding the against his skull and gripping his hair in attempt to get rid of them. But they just circled on and on.

"AH!" Alec cried out, turning around swiftly and punching the wall forcefully.

When he retracted his fist it was bloody and already bruising, the knuckles split and dripping crimson liquid. Ignoring the pain he stomped out of his room and jogged quietly down to the kitchens, treading gently on the floor as not to alert the others. Although they were probably in bed by now.

The kitchen was dim and empty, all the utensils and pots standing in order. Alec walked towards the pantry and opened it, scanning its contents for something he never would have looked for on a usual day. But this wasn't normal and he was just searching for something to take his mind off of Magnus.

The bottle stood in front of his face and he snatched it up quickly before he could change his mind.

Back in his room he took up his position on the bed again and unscrewed the bottle, sniffing the contents. It smelled fowl and strong. But he breathed in and out slowly before taking a decent gulp.

The liquor burnt his throat as expected but he held it down, swallowing as much as he could in one. Alec had seen Jace and Isabelle drunk many times and although he would usually be the reasonable one they had always told them it helped them forget. Forget what exactly he didn't know but if it was going to help rid him of the images and memories and everything else it was worth the burn.

Halfway through the bottle his vision was clouding over and he was finding it more difficult to concentrate. But he gulped on.

Suddenly he felt the urge for Magnus' voice. He needed to hear it just one last time.

So he pulled his phone from his pocket in a struggle, fumbling drunkenly through the contacts and pressing the call button for the second time that evening. Excitement rushed through his drunken body and he swayed slightly, holding the phone to his ear.

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

"Hello?" answered an exasperated voice.

Alec's breath caught in his throat with a hitch and he gulped, trying to breathe again. His heart raced in his chest and beat loudly in his ears, blocking out any other sounds around him. His mouth opened and closed repeatedly but no matter how hard he tried no words would come. Instead he remained mute, his eyes wide in alarm and panic. What had he expected? A normal conversation? Progress? A change?

"Hello?" Magnus asked again.

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeep_

Alec dropped his phone onto the bedside table, taking a shuddering breath and tried to calm the his heart and the pain sawing through his chest. It burned and cut his ribcage, travelling through his lungs and tugging at his heart. Tears stung at the corners of his eyes and he blinked rapidly, trying to suppress it all. But even in his drunken state none of it would stop.

Not the flash of memories.

No the pictures of Magnus smiling back at him.

Not the happy laughter that rang in his ears and haunted the space around him with joy.

And not the pain.

A shuddering sobbed ripped itself free from his chest and he gasped as the tears leaked over the brims of his eyes, racing each other down his cheeks. More followed and soon they were cascading down, accompanied by the sobs from his chest.

He huddled under the blanket, pulling it up to his chin and pressing his face into the pillow, all while still fully clothed.


End file.
